WASHINGTON, DC -- In a fit of inspiration worthy of Newton, President Barack Obama stumbled upon the cure for cancer during a vivid dream yesterday evening, sparking outrage in defiant Republicans who insist the remarkable cure will cripple the US economy and take away the personal freedoms of people suffering from cancer across the nation.
The cure—a simple mix of homegrown Arugula chewed at intervals while shooting 20-foot jumpers, sparks an immuno-response that activates key endorphins in combination with the natural vitamins inherent to the eclectic, tasty vegetable.
The resultant effect in a normal immune system is a form of super-immunity—not unlike that seen in Great White Sharks or FOX reality TV programming.
"It woke me right up," said the President. "Michele thought the red phone was ringing, I was so excited about the possibility. It's just so simple, you know? Eat your veggies while rainin' jumpers out the sky."
Not everyone is convinced the cure for cancer is a good thing, however.
"One in every three dollars of our health care spending is directed at some form of cancer research, treatment or medicine," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Just how are we supposed to absorb the loss of so much money to so many worthy contribut—I mean corporations?"
Boehner's displeasure was echoed by Representative Eric Kantor in a hastily crafted statement released via text message from his Blackberry.
"What's Arugula? And how can I buy stock in it? My guess is President Obama will now raise taxes on Arugula, and on Spalding, global leader in basketball manufacturing."
The President's cure for cancer, while free and readily available to the public, will be taken up by House Republicans in a special emergency legislative session designed to outlaw the combination as a form of "Government Control."